Satire Writer Lampoons Girls Dresses

03/10/2013 16:59


This is reposted with permission from a satire writer.  Wow!


As a mother of 8 daughters and one infant son (who I am raising to be a girl, god willing) I am always on the lookout for girls birthday dresses.  I don't need a ton of them, per se. Just one really well made dress, that won't fall apart, so that it can be worn as a hand me down.  I know this isn't fair for my most of my daughters, but it's fair for my oldest daughter who I love the most.  I know I shouldn't say that, but she was born first, so it was a very magical experience for me.  I do love my other daughters and my infant son that I'm raising to be a girl, just not a much. 


So when I'm shopping for girls dresses, I need to make sure that the colors are very strong and vibrant.  Because after 13 years of being passed down, all those washes tend to make the colors fade.  So if the color is really bright at the start, it'll still look half decent when the young ones get them. Also the fabric needs to be as strong as steel, because I don't want the little ones running around in birthday dresses that look like swiss cheese.  What kind of mother would that make me be?  Half their fathers would think I'm nuts.  (The other half already think I am.  LOL!)  

So I am always shopping.  I love to shop.  Mostly for myself.  But sometimes I like to shop for the young ones.  I'd say that for every 10 dollars I spend on myself, I easily spend 1 dollar on my kids.  That's fair right.  I mean, I'm the one filling out all the welfare papers.  I should be the one who gets to shop for a dress.  If the government has a problem with that, the government needs to stay out of our personal lives!!!  I mean, it's okay if they want to tell us how to pray and how to think and how to hate.  But stay out of our personal lives.  That's inappropriate.


Anyways, where was I?  Right.  The girls birthday dress.  Sometimes, when I'm a shopping, I'll come across the cutest dresses for girls.  Why do girls get all the cute stuff? So I'll the store owner if they'll make one in my size.  I'm a hefty girl, so usually there's an extra charge for all the fabric they need.  Takes a lot of curtain to cover this stage, if you know what I mean.  And if you don't, I'll just say it.  I'm over 350 pounds.  But I'm going on a diet tomorrow.  I mean it.  Tomorrow or the next day for sure.


So after I get my dress, I'll wear it home and all my girls just go nuts for it.  They'll say momma, when do I get to wear that pretty girls dress.  And I'll just say, you need to grow into it.  So eat those fries honey!  I'll say the same thing to my baby boy.  Of course, being only 6 months, he's too young or stupid to respond to me.  Oops!  That's the door bell.   Could be the revenuer.  I got to hide.  Ciao!  Visit